And sometimes I could kick myself.

This evening I gave the most mediocre, stupid, hollow, ungraceful, idiotic and whatever speech of my life.

It started off with that they had changed location of the event at the last moment. And so instead of being there a bit early and maybe getting to know the one or the other, I came to the event last minute. Then Dan wanted me to tell him about how to introduce me, haha as if I would know, but then in my conversation with him I slipped a comment I really did NOT want to make, especially not with another person standing right next to him. So there was already about the 3rd moment of feeling uncomfortable, not to mention my entrance there and all. Ugh. But then, on stage, the light and microphone really kicked in… all words lost, and especially my english vocabulary gone, just not there, only voidness… and so I stumbled through some disjointed sentences… like one of these dreams and you can’t weak up, just I’m doing it, right there, no dream – if it only would have been a dream. Worst is, the only reason I had agreed to do the speech was the intention to motivate some others and well by golly, now why am I so sure I did NOT accomplish that?

If I only could go burry myself for a couple of weeks until the pains of the memory of it would be gone. So much for wanting to do good. How could I. And then to forget to acknowledge LRH. Yuck. Maybe going to planet 74523C667 for a while would help getting away from the shame… – and of course, others might just smile or shake their head over it, it’s just me struggling in the after-mare of it. Go away, go away.