I don’t even know how to describe the pain we both feel. He was such a great cat. We are still trying to cope with reality, to accept the fact that he died only an hour ago under our hands while having a seizure / heart attack (probably caused by a blood clot). It happened so darn fast. We were both there which was good. The feeling of agony because of not being able to sooth and take the pain away from the creature when something like this happens is unbelievable.
A few hours and many tears later. It still seems utterly surreal. We made him a nice resting place in his bed, with his two favorite toys, a mouse and a large, peacock feather. And put him down into the earth by our curly willows. It’s a good place.
We are both struck by grief.
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The day later: The pains are huge. Not only that he is gone but the agony of the last 2 minutes (or less, time stretched endlessly during those moments) of his life and the helplessness of us to help or sooth it. If I only could have take the pain away from him. He was so young! He should have been around another 5 years, at least.
I did extensive searches on the internet yesterday scared to death to find out that there would have been anything we could have done to prevent it but all what I found is what we had thought at first when it happened: that he probably had a blood clot which is not that unusual for cats which caused a type of seizure and heart attack, pounding of his heart so screaming fast and then gone. But it doesn’t make the pain less. And this lingering doubt that there is something we could have done to prevent his passing, we tried CPR to no avail? He passed, you could tell. It’s so horrible.
But, in the end, when we put him into one of his beds with a mouse toys and peacock feather he actually looked soft and at peace. I will try to make this image the one to dominate in my memories.
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